My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
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Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Said the murderer.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.