I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
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This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.