I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
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I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.