My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
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Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Social distancing in Australia:
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.