ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
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“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Support your local cemetery
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly