Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
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Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard