I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
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Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Sell your car
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need