Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
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*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Rambo Rambow
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Life hack
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!