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If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then