Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
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I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Jokes on them. I took 10.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
ouch
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!