Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
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[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
They must have gotten it to go.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant