HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
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There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*