Buck naked
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[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*