Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
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BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT