So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
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When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”