“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
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[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers