People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
You Might Also Like
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed