[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
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[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Word!
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.