Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
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[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
me working on my assignments ^-^
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.