[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
You Might Also Like
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
me 2 months after i graduated
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)