Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
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signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Dammit Chief not again
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars