*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
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[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?