me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am