My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
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I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Cake!!
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.