My Guy
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“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
The devil.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.