Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Important reminders
Harsh but fair
*checks Timeline*…
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I love art.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward