New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
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I would move hell over six inches for you
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*