My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
You Might Also Like
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*