Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
You Might Also Like
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero