What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
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I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
HERE’S MARKY
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.