I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
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Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Every haunted house movie:
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the