[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
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Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog