Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
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Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Canada has crack?
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too