Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
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You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
<- sleeps well with others
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]