For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
You Might Also Like
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by