She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
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The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
When you don’t understand how floors work
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration