{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
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Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.