I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
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When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”