Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
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You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.