me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
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I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going