Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
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What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?