Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
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Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
A ghost story
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
bury ourselves
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Noah was an idiot.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.