Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
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Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Software Development ⛵️
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing