Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
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I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
2022: I can fix it
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.