A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
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And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”