They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
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GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.