Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
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“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
My first child will be named New Folder.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
this country is so goddamn polarized
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.