When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
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Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”