new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
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Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Going to church you guys need anything
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.