First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
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Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I found your tweet-up…
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]